Sperm Man, Warped Tour, and Cannibal Hookers

Top of the morning/afternoon/night/etc. to you!

Let's get started, shall we?

As you probably know, yesterday was The Fourth of July! Yay, fireworks! Yay, meat! Yay, Sperm Man!
"Wait... Sperm Man? What does he have to do with the Fourth of July?" you say.
"Well, my children, if you listen, you shall learn." I respond.
Yesterday I held a small movie party for a few people to celebrate our nation. While watching one of the movies one of my friends (who, for the sake of privacy, we will now call Sid) mentioned Sperm Man... Since most of my friends are oh-so very innocent (ha!), Sid had to explain to us who Sperm Man was. He told us that he was a super-hero, much like Spider Man, who, instead of shooting web, shoots sperm from his wrists. Sid then proceeded to immitate sperm man by shooting imaginary sperm from his wrists and impregnating all of my friends. After the party was over, I decided to go investigate this "Sperm Man"... He is real, although he goes by another name: Super Sperm. I shall now attach a URL: http://unitedcats.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/super_sperm.jpg. Enjoy.
I'll let you bask in the excellence of that photo for a little while...


Alright, that's enough.
Now: Warped Tour. It's a huge concert. With lots of bands and stuff. I went with my friend. And it was raining. But no lightening. So that's good. Oh! And the little hos (hoes? hothren? hoi? ho peoples?...) who were working the door wouldn't let us bring in umbrellas... That part sucked. They wouldn't let me bring in my "Free Hugs" sign either. Apparently, people aren't ready to experience the extreme pleasure of my hugs. I understand... I mean, my hugs are pretty outstanding. Anyway, we saw a lot of bands. Including: The Summer Set, The Mighty Regis (THEY'RE IRISH!!), NeverShoutNever, Artist Vs. Poet, Breathe Carolina, and about 3 ethereal moments of Bring Me The Horizon. Their melodic screams send me into a stupor... Oh, and during NSN's set, there was a girl who looked like a boy who was wearing a dino backpack. I burn, I pine, I perish (for the backpack)!

And finally, we come upon... The Cannibal Hookers.
You may or may not be aware of my favorite TV personality: Vince Shlomi. Also known as The Sham Wow Guy. I was sitting on my couch watching Bewitched when a commercial appeared on my television screen. I was about to change the channel when, all of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice! It was the voice of VINCE SHLOMI! He was doing a commercial promoting the Slap Chop (not as high quality as the Sham Wow, but that's not what we're talking about here...). Vince is back from jail! Now, some of you might not keep tabs on infomercial personalities, but Vince was recently sent to jail for beating up a prostitute. Before you go around blaming my homeboy, you need to hear his side of the story, it has been confirmed that this prostitute had done something so horrible, so disgusting, so EVIL, that I have to take a moment before I can say it.... ..... .... SHE BIT HIS TONGUE! Heh, yeah, I like to build up suspense. Anyway, apparently she not only bit his tongue, she tried to nom, er...eat his tongue! It's sad to think about what our society has come to when a pimp has to stoop to the level of hiring cannibals as his hos. I mean, what has happened to the good old-fashioned prostitutes? The ones who stood out on the corner in hoochie dressed; the ones who prowled the streets at night in what can only be described as "hooker heels"; the ones you could trust not to eat your tongue! What has the world come to?...

And that's the way Kelsey sees it! (Glee reference)

I bid the farewell!