Sunday, July 25, 2010

My excuse and Singing hamsters.

Um... *peeks out from behind computer screen*... Hi, everyone... *weak smile*
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. But, I do have an excuse. At least for a few days. The last few I was just kind of tired.
So, at my school we have a laptop program wherein all of the students are given computers. I don't know whose idea it was to give a bunch of teenagers a bunch of expensive computers, but that's not the point. Since we are, after all, a bunch of teenagers, we are not exactly "gentle" with our lovely computers. Therefore the principal sees it fit to have a computer service location. Also known as The Cave (of sexual torture). That last part isn't the legit name. That would be inappropriate seeing as it is a Catholic school... Anyway, The Cavemen and woman ordered all of last year's freshmen to take their computers (I named mine Link-o Po Chink-o) to The Cave so that they may be updated to Windows 7!! Yay! Pretty! Okay, so my computer was away at The Cave for about three days. So that's part one of my excuse. Part two of my excuse exists of reading online comics, staying up late talking to my Chat Orgy (Yes, you read that correctly. No, it is not a real orgy. I am a good Christian girl...Sometimes. Heh heh), writing a book (which I haven't updated lately, but here's the link anyway: ), and watching Harry Potter and zombie movies with my friends... I feel like that is a decent excuse.

Now, I will go on to the portion of the blog wherein I whine and complain about things that annoy me! Yay!

Kia. They have very nice cars. I mean, they are pretty and they are environmentally friendly (or as friendly as a gas-guzzler can be). But there is one reason that has made me decide that I will NEVER buy a car from Kia Motors: wangster hamsters. Yes, wangster. Wanna-be gangster. Those less-than-ghetto-fabulous rodents from the Kia commercials get on my nerves. They all walk around with their doo rags on and try to be super-fly. (Reference picture) Now, don't get me wrong, the hamsters aren't the only part of the commercials that I hate with a burning passion that could fuel a thousand small towns for an eternity. I also dislike the music that is playing in the background of the "Soul Hamster" commercials. "You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that." And it goes on and on and on. First off, I have no appreciation for a song that is put in motion to small rodents. Secondly, why would I want to "get with" a car. I feel like that would be at least partially illegal. Like.... Automotiphilia. Automotiviality (like bestiality. But with cars). So, no, Kia Hamsters. I will not be "getting with" any of your vehicles in the forseeable future.

And that's all I have to say on the matter.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Singing to flowers and Stairs.

Ahlo, everybody!

You may recall me mentioning the Corpse Plant at the museum in my last blog. She is amazing. Lois is. Last night I got really bored, so I decided to write a song for her. After thirty pain-filled minutes, my song was complete. I called it: An Ode to Lois. Very original, huh? Anyway, I posted it on facebook and it got many comments and likes. I enjoyed that. Then I brought my guitar to work this morning so that I could serenade Lois in person and, hopefully, persuade her to bloom. That didn't work... But! My song did catch the attention of a few museum employees, who, after recording me and my lovley assistant Stacey (she held the lyrics for me while I played), proceeded to post the video on the museum website. After I officially got off work, it was suggested that I go back to Lois and play for her some more because the crowd had gotten bigger. Yay! So I did. I felt awkward because people kept on coming up to me and asking if I was the one who played for the flower (No, I'm just carrying this guitar because I am a rebel. A rebel with a guitar). Then people were taking pictures of me and I didn't know what to do... So I just kinda smiled awkwardly and looked away. I don't deal with attention very well. By about 5:30, I was getting overheated and tired. So I played An Ode to Lois one last time (the security guard accompanied me that time because he had memorized the lyrics. He's cool like that) and then left. Fun times. *passes out*

*wake up*

Stairs: An invention made for people who actually have willpower. Not me. Every time I walk up the stairs, I get all tired. It's rather pathetic, really. My solution to avoid being all tuckered out: Get rid of stairs (Excercize? Never heard of it). I mean, this is the 21st century, after all. We have awesome things like laptops, iPods and electric bread-slicers. I think we should ditch the primative staircase and update it with something more modern. I think that every flight of stairs in America should be replace with an escalator. Not an elevator, because those things are scary and I don't like to be in confined spaces. And that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Sorry, this post was really short. But I literally feel like I am going to pass out. I promise I'll make up for it next time.

Bye bye!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Corpse Flowers and uses for watermelon.

Ni hao!
I learned that yesterday at work. It's pretty cool, eh?

So, basically H-town has been abuzz with news of a Corpse Plant. "Corpse Plant? That sounds unhygenic! It kind of reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, Kelsey." you say. "I know, huh?" I respond. This plant can be found at none other than *drum role* MY MUSEUM!! Okay, not "my" museum... But the museum that I work at. It's pretty awesome. Everyone that works there is very excited about it. It's pretty nerdy. My friends and I were getting really excited about it. As a matter of fact, my friend, let's call her June, and I devised a plan: Since I am just awesome, I get to leave the camp a little bit earlier than her. She instructed me to, once the clock struck 3, dart out the door and up the stairs (summer camps are held in the basement. Pretty cool, huh?), then to run down the main hall to the Butterfly Center (that's where the plant is being kept). She then instructed me to run back downstairs and tell her whether or not it reeked of rotting flesh. Oh, did I forget to mention why it's called the Corpse Plant? When it blooms, which is very rarely (this is the 2nd ever to bloom in Texas), it gives off a very strong stench... Of rotting corpses. So basically, everyone is sitting on pins and needles (that sounds painful), and wanting to get a whiff of the plant. Why? Because it's FRIGGIN' AWESOME!! Anyway, I completed the task given to me by June. I ran up the stairs and basked in the glory of the plant. But I was disappointed to find out that it had not bloomed... No rotting flesh smell for Kelsey. Or June. Or any of the good people of the museum. Sad day. I will continue to frequent the plant every day until it blooms. I will report when it does. And I will attach a stench to the computer so that you, too, may smell it's odor. That'd be pretty awesome...

Also, today I went to the party of one of my dear friends. This party was filled with "double rainbows", "snake-lizards", gongzooblers, and watermelon. My friends and I, being the good citizens we are, decided that instead of throwing away the watermelon seeds, we would return them back to Mother Earth. But simply planting them in the ground would not do. Not for us. We decided to have some fun. We decided to spit the seeds at on-coming traffic. Yes. Thinking about it now, the seeds didn't technically make it to the soil... It made it to the concrete. The asphault. So they won't really be...sprouting tiny melons. They will be...sizzling and...and dying.... Hm...
Anyway, I got to thinking, because I do that sometimes. I was thinking of possible ways that the humble watermelon could help us. Here are a few I came up with:
1) You can nom them. They are yummy, therefore, rather nommable.
2) You can use them as a stylish, biodegradable paper-weight.
3) You can use them to replace Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Potatoes (potatos?) are SO last month.
4) You can scoop out their delicious core and use the rind as a helmet. So fun.

Alrighty then. That's all that I got for now.

Tune in next time on: THE INTERNET!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Challenge and random facts about Yours Truly

*looks at clock* OH GOODNESS!! *runs to computer**begins typing hurriedly*

Hi, Blogspot!... What?... Did I forget that I was supposed to blog tonight? WHAT!? Of course not!

Before we start, I would like to inform you that my new favorite game is Catchphrase. My family and I got together tonight to celbrate a few birthdays. One thing led to another, and another led to Catchphrase. It's the coolest game ever. Look it up. I beast at it.

Now, 5 facts. Fact 1: There is a band called Breathe Carolina. Fact 2: They are hosting video challenge. Fact 3: The Challenge is called IDGAF ( I Don't Give A...Fruit). Fact 4: You must film a video of you (and, in my case, a few friends) being random and not giving a FRUIT. Fact 5: We. Will. Dominate. Our plan is to go to *insert local movie theater here* clad in exciting and entertaining garb. My costume will consist of a viking helmet, a cape, a Free Hugs shirt, some aviators (not real ones. Those are expensive), some brightly colored pants, and Frederick. My ukulele. My friends costume will consist of...well, we don't really know yet. But it'll be really intense. Anyway, our plan is for her to bring her FlipCam and tape us being the most annoying people on Earth. That won't be difficult, for me, at least. I, accompanied by Frederick, will be singing a song by Mr. Christopher Drew of NeverShoutNever. The song is titled I Love You. It's true. That I love you. Yes, you. Okay, so after I serenade the good people of *insert local movie theater here*, we plan to prance around and get free hugs from people. I will then have them write their names in my autograph book... I don't have one yet. But I will. Soon. I really need to stop writing in sentence fragments. People find it annoying. I understand why. There I go again. I'm doing it again. *SLAP* GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, KELSEY!

...I appologize...

Now, I figured that since you are reading this, you might like to know some random things about me! (That is Writer Speak for "I don't have anything left to talk about, so I'll bore you to death by talking about myself.")
1) My favorite color is red (Though, it has been known to change quite frequently.)
2) At this very moment, I am watching a new show called The Glades. It's a cop show. I really like those (There I go again, talking in fragments).
3) There's a show called Castle on ABC, perhaps you've heard of it? It's marvelous. My favorite show, as a matter of fact.
4) Citrus fruits are my worst enemy. I hate them. All of them, except for lemons.
5) If someone asks me what my favorite band is, they will soon regret it. I have about 7; I also have a list of why each band is my favorite. Which I will begin to explain. If I do, please stop me. It's just embarassing.
6) I have a Cinematic ESP (Or as I like to call it CESP). If you sit me in front of a movie screen/TV, I will be able to spot the perp (that's cop talk) within 3 minutes. If we aren't watching a cop show, I will be able to tell you what happens to each of that characters. Sometimes, I'm wrong, but those moments are few and far between (what does that even mean?).
7) I text. A lot. I text so much that I can text without looking at the screen or keyboard while holding on a conversation with someone sitting in front of me. I am the Multi-tasking Queen.
8) My favorite number between 1 and 9 is...8. That's why I chose to place this fact on number 8. I'm clever like that sometimes.
9) I wear shoes that are size 11. I get comments from strangers telling me that I have big feet. No, random stranger, I didn't know I had big feet. Thanks for keeping me filled in.
10) I can't think of any more facts.

A'ight. That's all. Now, go away. If you don't, I'll be forced to continue typing in sentence fragments.
I'm serious.


Friday, July 9, 2010

The coolest job in the world and the BP oil spill.

*snore**wakes up suddenly* GET AWAY!!! Ahem. Yes. Not really. Please stay.

Hi, everyone! I just realized that this week has been really fun/horrible. Today I went to work at the museum. I may not have told you last blog, but this week I have been working in a Harry Potter class. The kids are ages 6 and 7... They are so cute! But they go to prove that looks can be decieving... This week we had a particularly large amount of kids with short attention spans. And one of them had ADHD. Now, don't get me wrong, I totally understand that ADHD is a disorder (hence the last D) that the kids can't control, so I get why they act out. I just wish they would do it in a less painful way... One kid (we shall call him Peeves since I worked in the Potter camp this week and because Peeves is a seriously deranged/mischievious poltergeist...polterghost? Poltergoose?) was apparently between his prescription medicines, because every day of the camp he just kept acting worse and worse until finally, on the last day, I wanted to stuff him in The Box. For those of you who don't know, The Box is where I send all of the Hell Children to (in my head, of course. Stuffing real children into a box could get me fired). Anyway, on the first day, Peeves decided that it would be fun to scream everything he said at the top of his lungs. The second day, he decided that it would be fun to run around the classroom and annoy me by stealing all of our supplies. Day Three: Peeves gets peeved at everyone for supposedly hitting his wizard hat and causing the delicatedly hot-glued jewels that graced the hat (that was sarcasm) to go "flying across the room". How did he solve this problem? He would kick and/or punch them. I was then sent to break up the fights... I got kicked. Multiple times.
Okay, now that I have gotten the complaining out of the way, I would like you to know that I actually really love my job. I mean, where else would I be able to dress up like a wizard, fully equipt with wand and cloak? Not at McDonald's, that's for sure. No disrespect, McDonald's... That is why I have the best job in the world. Oh, and we get pizza and ice cream. That's cool too.

Now, onto a serious subject: The BP oil spill.
It annoys me. A lot. This is THE BIGGEST environmental disaster in the U.S. ever. Way to go, BP! Snaps for you! No. No snaps for you, BP. I take them back. First of all, I think the Russians have something to do with this. I mean, Russia has beens sending over spies to find out stuff in the CIA. Why not BP? I believe the Russians were in charge of driving...erm...sailing a boat to where ever they were going when they decided that the good people on The Coast needed to be punished (KNEEL!). So they decided to drop a tiny bomb (cleverly/conveniently disguised as an iPod so that some of the blame may be sent to Steve Jobs if the iEvidence were to be discovered) into the water directly above the BP pipes. Obviously, the pipe bursted open, sending tons of oil cascading into the pleasant, murky water of the Gulf. I have come up with a few ideas of how to get rid of all of the oil and/or stop all of the oil from escaping from the pipeline.

1) We get a whole bunch of Sham-Wows and throw them into the Gulf. After all of the water has been soaked up by the wonderful Sham-Wow, we send in Peeves and a whole bunch of other small children to go clean up all of the oil. We then return all of the water to it's proper place.
2) To stop the leak, we will have to get it into more shallow water. I propose that we simply move the pipeline to another place. Now, you may say "Kelsey, you can't just push a pipeline somewhere else! It doesn't work that way!". Well, naive reader, my response is "Yes. We. Can! If Patrick (from SpongeBob) can do it, we can too! I mean, I'm pretty sure that we are more intelligent than a bunch of sea critters."
3) Throw a bunch of iron into the ocean. There was this politician in Washington DC, when my class and I were there, who said that doing that would get rid of global warming permanantly. That is also why I don't like politicians.

Alright, the last suggestion kinda sucked, but the other two were really good. Admit it. Ha...

Peace out, homies.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Elephants and the reason I need to get a life.

Holler, homes.

That was me being ghetto fabulous. I am so white... Heh heh.

Anyway, today at work (I work at a science museum during the summer) I started thinking about a predicament a few of my friends and I were in a few weeks ago while working. We were working at the Africa touch cart -a touch cart is a random cart filled with random things that have to do with the topic of the cart. The Africa cart has animal pelts, skulls, etc. from Africa. What was I saying? Oh, right. We were working at the Africa cart when a kid who looked to be about 9 years old came over to us and wanted to know about some of the stuff we had out on the table. If I remember, we had out the leopard and cheetah skins, a lion skull, an elephant tooth, and....a box of dried elephant poop. The kid pointed to the box filled with elephant poop and wanted to know what it was. Our usually M.O. for handling the elephant poop is that we get the kid to touch it before we tell them what it is, because they always freak out when they realized what they had just touched. It's really funny. So, one of my friends and I picked up the box and both of us reached to lift off the lid to the box. Unfortunately, we were a bit to enthusiastic and we opened the top too roughly...which sent the contents soaring through the air and landing on none other than our little 9-year-old guest. Being the horrible people we are, we began to laugh uncontrollably (not to worry, the little child was fine. He even began laughing once the initial shock of being pelted with elephant crap was finished). Obviously, we had to clean it up and appologize to both the child and his mother... His mom wasn't very pleased... Yes. So that's the story.

For the past 3 weeks (before I started working again) I had been milling about the house looking for something productive to do. I finally stumbled across the perfect activity: Playing Nancy Drew computer games and reading random books that happen to be lying around. I found a box of all of my computer games on my desk and looked through them. I realized that I have 21 Nancy Drew computer games... I have won all of them. I actually finished 3 this week. I really need to get a life. But, you can't really blame me; those games are totally addicting! I figure that if I don't become a doctor/record producer, I can become a private investigator. Because I am a beast at those games. The mysteries are always really bizarre. Like figuring out where a missing groom went before his wedding (he had been kidnapped by a crazy old woman who lived in a creepy hut in the middle of a bog ; he was then locked in an underground laboratory with a rocket), or going undercover to find a sabteur called The Black Cat (it was a loner at a girl school who was obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe). Yes... This is my life. I have also finised 4 books within the last 2 weeks: Gone (that's an accomplishment, it's a huge book), Devoured (that was pretty epic), Zombies for Zombies (...), and Hot Gimmick (not really a book...more of a manga). Oh, I have also been playing SpongeBob SquarePants songs on my guitar. You know you're impressed.

Sorry, this one sucked. I am half asleep. Actually, more like 79% asleep, but who's counting?

I bid you adeiu. Sorry, I don't know how to spell that either.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Sperm Man, Warped Tour, and Cannibal Hookers

Top of the morning/afternoon/night/etc. to you!

Let's get started, shall we?

As you probably know, yesterday was The Fourth of July! Yay, fireworks! Yay, meat! Yay, Sperm Man!
"Wait... Sperm Man? What does he have to do with the Fourth of July?" you say.
"Well, my children, if you listen, you shall learn." I respond.
Yesterday I held a small movie party for a few people to celebrate our nation. While watching one of the movies one of my friends (who, for the sake of privacy, we will now call Sid) mentioned Sperm Man... Since most of my friends are oh-so very innocent (ha!), Sid had to explain to us who Sperm Man was. He told us that he was a super-hero, much like Spider Man, who, instead of shooting web, shoots sperm from his wrists. Sid then proceeded to immitate sperm man by shooting imaginary sperm from his wrists and impregnating all of my friends. After the party was over, I decided to go investigate this "Sperm Man"... He is real, although he goes by another name: Super Sperm. I shall now attach a URL: Enjoy.
I'll let you bask in the excellence of that photo for a little while...

Alright, that's enough.
Now: Warped Tour. It's a huge concert. With lots of bands and stuff. I went with my friend. And it was raining. But no lightening. So that's good. Oh! And the little hos (hoes? hothren? hoi? ho peoples?...) who were working the door wouldn't let us bring in umbrellas... That part sucked. They wouldn't let me bring in my "Free Hugs" sign either. Apparently, people aren't ready to experience the extreme pleasure of my hugs. I understand... I mean, my hugs are pretty outstanding. Anyway, we saw a lot of bands. Including: The Summer Set, The Mighty Regis (THEY'RE IRISH!!), NeverShoutNever, Artist Vs. Poet, Breathe Carolina, and about 3 ethereal moments of Bring Me The Horizon. Their melodic screams send me into a stupor... Oh, and during NSN's set, there was a girl who looked like a boy who was wearing a dino backpack. I burn, I pine, I perish (for the backpack)!

And finally, we come upon... The Cannibal Hookers.
You may or may not be aware of my favorite TV personality: Vince Shlomi. Also known as The Sham Wow Guy. I was sitting on my couch watching Bewitched when a commercial appeared on my television screen. I was about to change the channel when, all of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice! It was the voice of VINCE SHLOMI! He was doing a commercial promoting the Slap Chop (not as high quality as the Sham Wow, but that's not what we're talking about here...). Vince is back from jail! Now, some of you might not keep tabs on infomercial personalities, but Vince was recently sent to jail for beating up a prostitute. Before you go around blaming my homeboy, you need to hear his side of the story, it has been confirmed that this prostitute had done something so horrible, so disgusting, so EVIL, that I have to take a moment before I can say it.... ..... .... SHE BIT HIS TONGUE! Heh, yeah, I like to build up suspense. Anyway, apparently she not only bit his tongue, she tried to nom, his tongue! It's sad to think about what our society has come to when a pimp has to stoop to the level of hiring cannibals as his hos. I mean, what has happened to the good old-fashioned prostitutes? The ones who stood out on the corner in hoochie dressed; the ones who prowled the streets at night in what can only be described as "hooker heels"; the ones you could trust not to eat your tongue! What has the world come to?...

And that's the way Kelsey sees it! (Glee reference)

I bid the farewell!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A lot can happen in an hour...

If you read my last blog, you may remember me mentioning something about my bike having a flat tire. Well, I decided that since I have nothing better to blog about (besides WARPED TOUR! Hm... Could have blogged about that... Oh well. Maybe next time.) I will tell you about my very own FML!!

It all started on a day. I don't remember which day, so I will just leave that part out. I was sitting at home alone playing computer games, because I am a nerd, when I suddenly got an urge for some potato chips and candy. Seeing as my mother hates me, she had eaten all of the potato chips in the house; and seeing as my father is diabetic, we have no candy in the house either. I decided I would go down to the corner store (which is not actually on the corner. It's a little over half a mile away from my house...) and buy some food. I headed out of the house with my keys and walked about halfway there when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. After walking back to the house and grabbing my wallet, I decided that 101 degrees was too hot to be simply walking in, so I grabbed my bike and began to pedal away like a maniac! Once again, I got half way there... and my bike got a flat tire. I pondered whether or not I should keep going or turn back. I decided to head back, because I didn't want to carry my bike there and all the way back. I got back home once again and attempted to open the garage door from the front of the house. Of course, this did not work. So I left my bike outside )to avoid carrying it throught the house) and went to open the garage from the inside. I finally got the garage door open and brough my bike inside, only to discover that the garage door would not shut. I spent about 10 minutes hanging from the garage door before it finally shut all the way. Being the stubborn person I am, I still refused to walk. So what did I do? I went in search for my scooter (yes, I have a scooter... There's nothing wrong with that.). After a few minutes of searcing the garage and hall closet, I decided to look in my closet. But as I walked to my closet, I stepped in something. I looked down at my feet, which were clad in my brand new shoes, to find out that I had stepped in a giant pile of dog crap. After a few obscene words were screamed, I cleaned up the mess and washed off. Finally, utterly disgusted yet still determined to get my snack, I gave up looking for an alternate form of transportation and decided to walk to the store. I finally arrived at the store after walking in the sweltering heat (did I mention I was wearing dark purple skinny jeans and a black t-shirt? I don't know why... But I was.) and entered the store. There were no chips. BUT there was a plethora of candy and Dr.Pepper. I purchased some chocolate and a Dr. Pepper and headed home. Once I got home, I set down my food on the porch and pulled out my keys. I put the key in the lock (Yeah, I know. That's what she said) and turned the key... The door remained locked. I stood outside for 15 minutes struggling with the door in the heat, until I realized that: I had been turning the key the wrong way... I got inside with my melted chocolate and now-warm soda. I proceeded to open my drink only to have it explode in my face... FML.

I hope this entertained you.

Rawr! (That's "I love you" in dino-speak.)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Teh Zombie Puppy and stuff.

Hello, Interneter!! (That's you),

Today I woke up at 8:05. I wish I had the ability to sleep in... but that was disalbed long ago along with my ability to keep up with my soap operas. Not that I used to watch soap operas.... Especially not Spanish ones. And I most definitely did NOT make up my own dialogue to them... *cough*...
Anyway, as I was saying, I woke up and got up to go get a Diet Coke, the drink to which I am addicted. As I was retrieving my beverage (that's kind of a funny word. Chortle is a funny word, too. As is besmirched.), I heard a ruckus in the garage. Assuming that my bike had just randomly fallen over (due to the flat tire. Oh! I need to tell that story... Maybe tomorrow), I ventured into the garage. I froze as my eyes fell upon what was in front of me. I was right. My bike had fallen over. But that wasn't the astounding part... There, sitting next to my bike was... A PUPPY!! I kinda just stood there for a couple minutes. I mean, you can't really blame me. I don't fully wake up until at least 10. The small dog approached and began to lick me ferociously! Heh heh... He is adorable. Turns out, my dad had seen him on his way to Starbucks... My father is addicted to Starbucks. I don't like it. At all. Except for the cookies. Those are good. Back on subject (I appologize, I am still sleepy), this poor little puppy's front legs were all cut up and scraped! I decided that I would nickname him Zombie Puppy until I can find a suitable name for him. I will now list some of the names that I have come up with:
Lysander, Mercutio, Demetrius, Aegeon, Fabian, Orsino, Valentine, Tibereus, Andromedus, and Spot.
If you have any other suggestions, please tell me!

Sorry, this blog kind of sucked. The next will be more interesting.
For the time being, here's my Twitter:
Go. Now.
Peace. Love. Tomotoes.